Guilty with myself

The best I can do is live with myself,

It's not forgiveness,

Wasting away under the shadow of guilt,

Do I ever look at myself with unaltered eyes?

The years go on, days dragging away,

I'm not changing,

Making the same mistakes that eat at me,

I've never really learned to accept myself.

Coming home

My love is like a boomerang,

I've thrown it out a long time ago and I'm waiting for it to come back to me.

I can't sleep at night,

I'm missing an important part,

The better half of me.

But I'm tired,

So come back,

You've been on your adventures for too long,

I can't keep defending you while you're away.

You're not a child anymore,

No more birthday cake to celebrate getting old,

Soon I'll be old with nothing but my aching soul-

He sleeps alone tonight

In this house,

Empty,

He feels the upset faces staring down at him.

In his dreams,

Fulfilling,

He is filled with warmth.

On that bed,

Miserable at best,

When he awakes,

Feeling cold and invisible,

He never wants to wake up.

Philosophy is man expressing curiosity

Our experiences are me expressing my love for the world,

Trying to make sense of everything,

Trying to make sense of our love,

Understanding on a basic level,

Even if I appear to be unsure of everything all the time.

Burned flames should never reignite

So I keep you away,

To keep the nightmares out,

Take me away from this fear;

So afraid of being left alone with you.

It's not cowardice,

But strength,

My inability to be shook,

Understanding that you never wanted to play nice.

If love is a game,

You thought you were the victor,

And you played me as such.

But I quit, you can't have your victory anymore.

Wrong side of the sidewalk

Memories in moments,

Lives of regret,

Living in fear and doubt,

Unable to love one another,

Afraid of ourselves.

Umbrellas folded up,

Really just a precaution,

Unable to live a life carefree,

Because of "just in case".

I'm burning so bright,

And I'll burn half as long,

Unable to be there for you,

When you've finally stopped worrying about the little things.

No man better articulates

Is this love?

Or are we struggling to get away from another,

And did I tell you I loved you at the most inopportune moment-

I never had a choice,

You needed to know or else I'd drown.

I don't hate you,

Why do you act like so?

How do I get up after falling so low,

Do you have answers for the questions that I have?

I've never met you.

At least not this you,

Since you don't intend on saving me.

You don't smile anymore, you've forgotten how.

I've never been lured by that sad look

That people give you when they want to be loved by you.

You sit there waiting for me to catch you,

Forever in free fall,

When did I promise that I'd be there no matter what?

I always mention that you can't quote me on anything.

My spirits are strong,

Knowing that something will lead me home,

Away from this place of loneliness,

This place of disgrace.

All the greed, all the lust

It's seeping in,
I can't keep it out,
I'm trying to hold this door closed,
Trying to keep my eyes barred,
Afraid to turn my back to the fear,
Letting the tears on my face hide my shame,

I am a part of this.
Whether I like it or not.

Smell the roses, the blood that stains them

This pain is all I've ever known,
Growing up in the shadow of doubt has left me broken and hopeless,
Fear taking form in my feelings,
Sticking to my brain and beating me at all the games I play,
I'm scared, running.

But as I run out of breath,
I try to find comfort in what I know,
And overcome by my blood-stained past I'm brittle, weak,
Terrified of what everyone will think,
I'm hardly a scholar of my profession,
Really just trying to keep walking,
I say goodbye to my love,
This is the end.

My sight's on love

With one big sigh everything is let go,
In one wave I let you know,
That I've seen you right through you,
And I can't hide anymore.

Knowing you has brought me down,
The truth is weighing on my chest heavilly,
Making me want to throw it all down.
And maybe one day I will reach the conclusion...

Someday.

Don't leave me

Cowardice hid us in the corner,
Shame angered us when you tried to help.

Who will be the light,
When daylight doesn't come?

Tomorrow is guaranteed,
Yet I feel unsure of what will happen to me,
Unable to tell you for sure,
If I want to sleep tonight,
And wake up tomorrow,
Instead if falling asleep for good.

The cup is half full

I've waited so long to come home to you
To create an illusion of suspense
Or rather, disbelief.

Numbers aren't adding up in the books though,
Prayers have gone missing
Dreams seem to be becoming more and more real.

If this is a real place,
It's just another place I dont belong
Placing bets at an empty table.

Love is wanting to stay the night

So desperate I would crawl,
Crimes commited out of lust for the things I wanted.

Looking through filtered lenses,
Blind to everyone following me.

Out of breath from running,
Only really wanting to stay.

Webs of lies and personalities

I feel cornered from all the lies I've told
No greater satisfaction than exposing the truth

Where did I lose my footing
Cause now I'm falling too fast for comfort

It feels wrong to tell you that I'm a man
Since the simplest truths are unbelievable to you

At least I can sleep at night knowing
What I know does with me

Death is a solution
And I haven't touched enough people to be missed

Let it come completely

In that sound of silence
I learned what an empty house I was living in
That everyone hated each other
And that's what we'd always be

But with you I don't feel quite so alone
In the light of your smile
I forget the sad little boy my youth
And instead look to what I could be

Tired from the affairs
Singing lonely sounds
Many things forgotten
Like why I fell in love in the first place.

P1

i am
living in a world
where smiles are all around,
how could i not want to capture it?

curiosity got the better of me,
while happiness got the better of you,
you're a face with no name but i wanted to remember it,
that's why i took it for my own.

it's a picture,
not a crime,
over in a brief second,
a momentary click,

you are my centerpiece,
both on paper and in my heart,
as the woman from the moment i want to remember,
forever.

Raise me up to drop my call

It's an escape from broken hearts
A game of twisted fate,

Hearts and tables turned over,
Closed for the night

Taking all the time you need
To shun away the world.

Hate is spiting out of our mouths

Touching the chords of our hearts,
The ones that stop them from beating,
Causing tears to start running from this broken home,
To a place where we long for the warmth of love,
Lying restless in the corner,
Trying to fall asleep without closing my eyes for the last time.

Beautiful figures in front of me,
Forcing such unhapy thoughts into my hands,
Holding my head under the waters of doubt,
Drowning helplessly.
I thought beautiful people only brought the happiness shown on tv,
All I'm seeing for is sadness.

Broken clocks and forgotten hearts

But although I've kept my distance,

You still catch my eye,

Every year I'm hoping you'll come back,

Standing where I stood all those years ago.

It's a holiday but nobody's celebrating,

We're all around,

Looking down,

At what's in our hands.

It's awkward,

Messy,

And not so routine,

But that's what makes it perfect.

It's the Christmas I remember with you.

Love's so hard to find when someone's on your mind

I couldn't make her understand that I'm her man,
I just wasn't the one she was looking for.

And yet,
With broken hearts we persevered,
To find beings with equally broken hearts,
So that we may settle for a life less meaningless.

As winter fills our hearts

So does our fear of the dark.
The unknown fog makes us scared,
Long, lonely, nights for which we're unprepared.

But we've got hope.
There's always star-lit skies to help me find my way,
As we pray that maybe we're not really so alone,
Cause people are always looking for us.

Find your map,
Draw the line.
This is no time for a nap,
Keep going and you'll be fine.

Please come find me,
I've been lost for eternity.

Drawn out arguments

But not rehearsed.

Unprepared debates,

Things un-meant, said.

I'm sure you're looking to get me back,

For the things I said,

Even though I felt them,

I didn't mean them,

And maybe I was scared.

But instead of showing that,

I scared you away with fear,

Lost, afraid of coming home,

Everything's been torn apart.

What a mess,

Is me,

At least,

It's not you.

Destinations

Rest your eyes,

I"ll get you there,

Another place,

Another time,

A different moment from where we are now,

And you'll be with a different man from who I am,

Different.

// 

The road is long,

Many twists and turns,

With nowhere really for you to hide.

///

Where's your man now,

Lost maybe,

Regardless I'm here,

Trying to pick up the broken pieces trailing behind you.

\//

Let's get going,

As if we were unknown to each other,

Finding out how to love again,

Loving each other once more,

Not really knowing where this is going,

Even if we're afraid of what waits for us at the end.

I want to be true

Is it love that you want
Or just someone to pamper?

Do you enjoy being the sun
Do you want me to be your moon,
We'll never see each other-
But maybe that's what you want?

This way we never work,
I want to be true,
Since that's you,
I could never give that,
I could never love you.

At least not the way you define it.

This hell isn't your own

When you say you won't forget me,
I can tell you that that's untrue.
Because every day since you've left me,
I've thought less and less of you.

And though our bodies are close to one another,
Our hearts are far apart.
Sit tight and listen close,
The ride is about to begin.

Now that the games are over,
The story actually starts to unfold.
And while you thought you were the main character,
The truth will now be told.

Trusting and not believing

Because we are bored of our ordinary lives,
Consistently thinking of new ways to entertain ourselves,
Isn't it fucking liberating?

Aren't you ashamed to think that we believed there was nothing more to life than death?
Yet how strange it is to be anything at all,
In the eyes of those who deceived you,
Should you care at all?

Have you heard of that new band,
The one I didn't tell you about,
But how I'd expected you to read my mind,
Funny joke,
Our relationship is guessing games,
And I'm not the luckiest player of these luck-based games.

How strange it is

To be anything at all without doubt,
Without fear,
Because of how certain we may be,
Of things that are yet to be.

If you didn't even listen,
Not because you wanted to but because you couldn't,
I wouldn't blame you.

As long as you went forth unafraid,
With the stride of eventful vindication,
All intents and purposes,
I would be happy for you.

And had she known what it would take to throw me out,
It's good that she's decided not to let me back in,
Because I would just turn her away,
My own mother.

So here we come,
The chicken denying the egg it came from,
Existing without an egg;
Consumed by the fear that it may be inevitable.

Shooting 33mm film

No matter how many takes it takes,
The feelings were the same every time and I couldn't help but wonder,
Did I want it to take however many takes it took,
Or did you take what you could,
Because I was willing to let you re-take it time and time again.

Robbers of things that have no value

So it's probably best we both forget,
before we dwell on the bad things,
because that's not what I want,
but it is what was in the safe when I opened it-
The safe hidden away in your heart.

We keep our files clenched so tight in our fists,
because they're not just secrets.
They're Our secrets.
And we are possessive creatures,
full of humility,
full of doubt.

But what would we be without a little bit of faith?
I was born to endure this kind of drift,
even if I wasn't exactly blessed with patience.
I'm not holding back,
it's just strength that I lack,
the strength to pass through this storm without jealousy.

No punctuation dance

Lets dance

As If it were easy for me
Maybe lead me
So that I may learn
Gracefully

Let me work
At being better
Because its all a matter of memorization

Spinning
From moving so fast
Lets just talk about the steps

Before he fell asleep

He dreamed a wonderful dream.
And the sleep was no longer as enjoyable.

Because he knew that when he awoke in the morning,
There would be no recollection of the thoughts he had before he fell asleep.

He enjoyed the chase,
The forgettable moments that would go on to live with his heart forever.

His life to others was a waking dream,
Perfect and unimaginable,

But to him very manageable,
Until he fell in love.

Because not passion,
Not that mere infatuation,

Love.
Feelings unportrayed,

Because he could not share his dream with someone who may have understood him.
Because it was the tale of his life,

Waking memories in a wandering state,
Right before the moment of silent sleep,

Knowing that he'll forget how to express these feelings in the morning.

Masked wanderer

Sitting,
Fooating,
Laying,
Drifting,
Resting,
Wandering,
I am on an iceberg,
Alone.

Why nobody comes to rescue me,
I don't know.

Maybe because I don't need saving,
I am meant to be here,
Like this,
Alone.

But I wouldn't wholeheartedly agree.
A friend would be nice,
Or better yet, someone who knows me.
Because what's better than our arguments,
To help pass the time?

In one fell swoop

I cut off the heads of those who opposed me,
I was the king of several kingdoms,
And no one stood to oppose me.

However,
As an observer to the great atrocities,
I saw that I brought sadness to my people.

Because I wasn't meant to be loved,
But hated.
And I could do great things like that.

Hardly a day for misfortune

Spirits as high as the sun in the sky,
Feet planted firmly on the ground like the head on my shoulders,
Ready to take what's coming at me.

Except for one thing,
Which seems to be everything,
And unable to accept that,
Because I probably deserved it.

It's hard to match,
Nothing comes close to equal,
And maybe the opinions of others don't change,
Because their opinions still ring true like the words they said to you,
All those years ago.

So this is hardly a day for misfortune,
But this day many years ago,
Was a day for second guessing and doubtful minds,
Without as much as a thought of wishful thinking.

I am glad I am here today to be another beautiful human being in the big machine,
But maybe I don't deserve to be, this could have ended so many years ago.

I should apologize, but I cannot.

For I am a prideful creature,
Destined to offend,
Worried that I will,
But seemingly unconcerned;
This must be why you think so poorly of me.

Hardly a character suffering from misfortune,
There would be plenty of adjectives to describe me in a story,
Maybe none as pleasant as mine for you,
But said warmly;
A mutual hostility. An oxymoron?

Born privileged and into faith,
But grown out of it from trials of broken hearts,
There would be nothing more appropriate
Than to sit him down and have a nice long chat;
Even if that's not something he's good at doing.

Because he's stuck in a world of third person,
Looking down at himself even if it doesn't look like it to you.

You say he's overly cautious, maybe.
Or just an asshole at times.

He probably just over-thinks things.

Believe your brilliant

Because you don't believe me when I say it.

Think you're perfect,
Because you won't believe it when I say it.

Think you're magnificent,
Because you can't believe I think it.

Think you're the best thing that's ever happened to me,
Because you may be.
And while that may be hard for you to believe,
I've only lived for so long,
And you make me so, incredibly, happy.

All your words will soon desert you

When everything I see reminds me of the shape of you,
I know that I'd stay with you.
I know that I want to say to you.
Confirming in my mind what I know to be true,
I know for sure, that I'm in love with you.

What would you say?
What would you do?

This is a definite sign of what we could be someday,
Playing in the park,
It will all be clear on a seesaw or a bridge,
Can you hear that rumbling sound in the distance?
We'd better run inside,
There is no time to be wasting any time,
Where do we go from here,
Unsure of what there is to say.

Maybe actions do speak louder than words-

Your hands in mine

I think the Beatles had it right.
That everything would be worth the fights,
Every little thing,
One single moment when I can touch you,
Is what life's living for,
I just want to hold your hand.

If I had to choose between blindness or stupidity,
I would be at a loss.
Because if I couldn't see your beauty then I would have shot myself in the foot.
And if I was so ignorant that I could not appreciate your beauty,
What a hopeless fool I would be.

You have stolen all my senses,
There are no defenses left for me to deny.

To take no pride in moving against the tide

Not water,
But people,
The waves of faces,
The sea of emotions,
Crammed into one lifetime.

And when we're running
We're too busy to look back,
But once we've stopped,
We turn around with heavy hearts,
Breathing as hard as our hearts pound,
Wanting to get out,
Further away,
But inside of us all the same.

Detours, and reading maps in the dark

My tired eyes are shut
And I can see without a doubt that
I can't take it anymore.
Whether we can,
I don't know.

These dreams I have,
Asleep in this city,
Even when the sun wakes up,
I open my eyes and light my candles,
To see in the dark.

Times will change like the seasons,
These candles will burn long before that,
But you and I will last.

I found my light,
And although we can't find each other to talk much anymore,
I walk north.
Not to isolate myself further,
But because now you know how to get there too;
And now you'll know where to find me.

Sing a song with me

Because lying here is lonely,
And your thoughts are unheard of,
In the dead sea of white noise,
Interrupting my brainwaves constantly.

Labelled as a lyric,
Read like a verse,
Sung like a hymn,
I am not a storybook.

But yet you find me so predictable,
Readable,
Mouldable,
I am disappointed with my inability to be refreshing and fun.

Perhaps that's why I always sing the same old songs,
Because it's the simple things which make me smile,
Like seeing you smile,
Or hearing you stifle a song.

Holding out,

All on the line,
Stripped and battered,
Compensating for trying to hide,
Night-blind with the lights on,

If anything ever actually goes as you planned,
You can run and retrace your steps,
But otherwise it's a flop.

And in an instant you know,
That probably this was all your fault,
Please stand strong,
It could always be worse.

How many times I say that seeming ndescending,
But trust me when I tell myself that more than anyone else.

Where were you?

Its hard and weird not to know how your day begins,
I can't imagine lying here with anyone but you.

When with you I feel like nothing in this world
But you can shake my bones,
Then you tell me I'm just a part of yours
And that you're already in his world,
Twisting more knots in my heart.

I'm not in control,
But don't my screams move you,
Or will it remain that everyone knows but you.

I've got the most to lose,
Especially if I can't be myself and keep you too-

Give me a moment to recalibrate,
I don't think I'd ever be enough,
But I'm praying for your freedom cause your mind seems imprisoned.

If you pressured then I'm on the same page,
And I need a minute to hold your hand,
To tell you the truth,
That I feel more alive when I'm with you;
Thank you for making me who I am when I'm with you, I never could have been this without you.

New content

It's not a try-and-buy,
It's a leap of faith.
Or maybe more of a hop.

You don't know how much it will cost you,
You know it won't be cheap.
But you've got a credit card.

The price of admission may be a little steep,
The thrill might not be worth it.
And now you've got to try it.

But now you have it.
And unlike the things you threw away before,
This one you want to keep.
It's everything you ever wanted and more.

Creatures in the night

Mysterious enigma,
The root of our deepest fears,
Planting the seed of imagination,
That's what scares us.

Because we like to be certain,
Even though I am nothing without imagination,
I wish my thoughts would live without me;
The woman my thoughts were about are hiding from me,
Because of the fear that it brought me.

And I still keep my baby thoughts beside me,
Like the nightstand I sleep beside,
Like my mother's jewelry.
Because although neither are here anymore,
They remind me of who I was and I have to keep up with that.

Whether I get cold feet,
Or in my old age forget my own name,
These events are destined to be things I want to give everything to,
No matter how superficial the things,
Or significant, like my mother's death.

I am just a civilian,
A walker of flat plains,
But with that comes mystery,
Because I ultimately make the decisions of what I will take and what I will let pass,
Since I am the creator of my own destiny.

So when the future looks dark and scary,
Like the creatures in the night of my imagination,
I stand vigilant,
Like a postcard;
And image, not a living memory,
I am unshakable.

And when the hammer falls

We get caught under.
Not completely squished,
But not completely avoided either,
Leaving something like a pinky toe behind to get crushed under the weight of this unstoppable force.

And this pains us.
Because we aren't immune to hurt,
We are squishy,
With warm insides,
And cold outsides,
To protect us from broken hearts;
And if we can distance us from getting close to others,
Maybe we can avoid the broken bones as well,
But then we find ourselves alone.

And I miss the company of others.

There's a rule that I have to follow

Even in our sleep, pain which we cannot even begin to describe,
falls drop by drop upon the hearts of our friends and lovers,
until in our own despair,
we crumble,
and our shame taints the core of our human being.

But.
With love,
Compassion,
and Wisdom for one another,
the feeling of justice and peace guaranteed prevails,
lasting forever,
deep within the hearts of those who believed.

Because for endless days we left the lights on in our houses,
afraid of the things that go bump in the dark,
but more afraid of the things which may lurk in our own homes,
and although you already know that what you see isn't always what you get,
You've gone.
You're gone.
So throw me out to play in the rain,
In the devil's playground,
Because I'm still reminded regardless how much the simplest things like this would have made you smile.

A creeping night

Trapped by my phobias,
Possessed by anxiety,
Seeing doubt portrayed as entities,
Falling short of goals and priorities.

I have my mother's dreams,
I have my father's eyes,
No night can take that away from me,
You can try-

Help is always close,
On the way,
Just one call in front of you,
One step behind me.

I'm singing myself a soothing lullaby,
Alone in this dark night,
Does anyone care?
Nobody to hold my hand,
But also nobody to see,
How much it hurts when I close my eyes and
See the same burn as when you walked in the room for the first time.

I still remember that first night we met,
Can you sit through these tears?
You prefer fact to magic,
Said you had to leave these talks for work,
I stayed waiting,
Anticipating and pacing,
But that was the last I'd heard.

Maybe I didn't write these words to be heard,
I just needed to go out at night to know that I tried,
And I'd spend it dancing all night,
If all you were looking for was a laugh.

My expense is the cost of admission,
So take me away and let's start another fire tonight,
So that I may sit one step closer to you,
Trying to keep you warm and keep the fire alive at the same time.
Because we wouldn't have to leave this campsite if you didn't want to,
But you'll get sick of here one day, just like you're sick of home.

Has the seed of possibility been planted?

Should he wither,
Or should he die,
That's his choice.
And only time will tell.

Is he in a lot of pain?
Because you never asked,
I'll tell you.

He is.

And when that phone of yours rings in your pocket,
Should you take it?
Or should you put it on hold and continue to plaster that fake smile all over your face?
Only you can make the decision,
And you will have to live with the consequences.

But the millions of people stuck in their lives,
Stuck in routines,
No form of struggle is routine anymore,
We're in a state of chaos.

Nobody knows how to express themselves anymore,
And I'm another clone.

If you're ever hurt or scared

Then come and find me.

She said.

And when she left, I was mad at her for lying.

But now that she's gone I remember what she told me.

And when I feel lost or scared, I go to her.

Because there's one place I can always find her.

Her grave.

Mother.

Three steps sideways, one step back

You never come back to where you started,
You're always a little bit back.
Sure you learned a thing or two,
But what time you spent learning, you now find yourself displaced sideways.

Much like the weather,
We can't predict the future,
But because we can hope, We can be sure that we change the unwritten future as well.

When we pray for those who we want to stay with us, Even if you'd be ashamed to hear that they found out, Or when we wish that we could be with someone, And cross our hearts that we'd never let them find out, What's the difference? Sitting alone here, or sitting alone here with you, Finally ready to go from here, Am I leaving, running? No. Because I'll be back whether you know it or not. Because this will happen again whether I like it or not. And because I'm thinking of you, no matter what.

Eh, she said.

Because nothing more worthwhile was worth saying.
And in that very moment,
He was content with just looking.
But then of course somebody had to ask what he was looking at,
And he replied with nothing.

The lesson of the story is unforgettable,
Unknowable,
And unmistakable.
That he shouldn't have given into temptation,
And instead should have lied about his emotions,
To not only himself but to you,
Is what was asked of him.
And he did not comply.

If we fell to our knees every time we turned around and walked away from our problems,
The only thing left in our lives would be guilt,
Not epiphany.
And I don't think you'll ever see the same blue I see,
Especially since my eyes are always locked on you when you're looking up at the stars.

I talk too much

It's probably my way of breaking up the silence
Which fills up my heart.

Cause I have too much time
To collect and discover my own flaws
But that's for me to ponder, hopefully for you to accept.

Without my ability to talk,
I'm left with the sight and touch which forever leaves me longing,
Unable to express appreciation,
Even after everything I love is taken away from me.

And when I realize that something's gotten a hold of my heart,
In a way I did not intend,
I hide away in a corner.
Maybe you'll find me,
Hopefully soon,
Or I'll sit here on top of the world,
Invisible.

Really, delicate. Really, unfortunate. Really, ungrateful.

Because I never gave it a second thought,
It's my fault?

That I told you how I felt but being turned down,
Then being shamed for not telling you what was on my mind,
Was all my fault?

How foolish of me,
To think that faults and fingers could be pushed around,
Cause the only thing being pushed around is me.

And when words are abused,
It leaves our hearts with answered questions and nothing but doubt,
But yeah,
That's also my fault.

Moving in front of me like a sea of disaster

In which I have no paddle,

Unable to avoid,

Getting ready to hold my breath,

About to take the plunge.

Because I'm confident that I know how to swim,

I learned when I was young,

And like when I was little,

My father taught me lessons on how to live life.

How to be a better human,

By being honest,

And a little modest,

To care for everything, big or small.

But he never taught me to love another human being,

He said it would be natural,

That it would come to me like she would,

And that my life would be fulfilled.

Yet as long as I have lived,

I do not imagine myself falling in love,

Because I'm not a good human being,

And my father's lessons seem wasted as he is ashamed at my attempts at love.

I'm not a good human being,

From everything you have been seeing,

I have given you no reason to show interest,

But I guess, I digress-

I've hoped that avoiding you would help me,

Like most of my problems I run from to avoid,

Except that I can't stop thinking about you,

And it reminds me that I don't want to give up,

  Not if there's something worthwhile to fight for,

  What else would there be that I keep thinking about?

Cause I've forgotten how to say

That I miss you.

That ill return despite your lies and mischief,

That the leak in your concrete persona gives away how you feel about me but

That I'd never tell you how much I love you,

That there's nothing I could say to make you feel the same way.

Something far from what you've said

Is apart from another day,
And maybe someday I'll be somewhere,
Talking as if you knew me,
Only if you could trust what it is you'd hear,
You'll remember that I said I'd be here for you,
Even if you don't think of me, I would think of you,
And saying that I wish we were here,
In arms reach,
Not so far away,
Like it's become,
Because next time it happens, if it continues this way,
I'll scream with my lungs for my heart who remains silent,
But aching like the feet of mine, who would traverse this earth to escape a house falling apart,
To hopefully save you from yours,
And if you find yourself in a ghost town,
At least I would be there to try and make it feel more alive,
Bringing out the sun to warm your cold hands,
Since you refuse to hold them in mine anymore, even if it means you're slowly freezing,
It seems you've forgotten what I said,
And instead you feel the need to belong in a place that doesn't want you,
Hiding from the faces who spew hurtful words to defile you,
But you treat them with a kind heart and plenty of smiles,
Because you like the games, the heartache,
Plenty of mistakes on my end, but you're not free from blame,
You created this prison,
So it's a part of you,
Even if you're not the one in it.

To be beautiful

is there something stopping me from ever having the chance to see it?

Does someone have it out for me,

that I may never have the opportunity to experience beauty.

Would it require a timid soul?

Or could I be the bold hero in a city full of criminal souls,

Looking to find peace & comfort in knowing

that a coward like me could have ever been mistaken as

                                                                                      Brave.

Ever doubtful,

However beautiful you may be,

because I am me,

that this would ever be possible.

My thoughts are like a fan caught in the wind

Once it gets going it spins and it spins,
But which way does it face?

Does it slow me down,
Or does it keep on pushing me further,
When all I want is to slow to a stop-

Words with which I hope to prove

That what I know is true.
But what a way it must be,
To complete this story.
To complete the way

That you so quietly misunderstand yourself,
I think if I had time to address the current issue,
I would say,
The downtime is necessary.

But remember that I know,
Remember that we weathered that storm together,
Without an umbrella,
You took my hand.

And while searching for better places,
I found that we could just sit on the ground,
Because you'll take me home,
I'll keep you warm.

There wasn't much choice in how I conquered adversity,
Especially since it was all imagined in my head.
Maybe I shouldn't expect too much,
Because you don't want me to.

Tomorrow's a brand new day,
Clear skies, I pray.
And if it rains,
Then throw me away, grab an umbrella.

While all eyes are on you

I can take back all the things I never thought I'd have to take back,
And we can daydream about the same things,
Because there's never been a more appropriate time than now to look into the mirror and expect better things,
Not for myself,
But for you.

I never said that I wouldn't have to take what I said back,
But I did mean what I said to you.
So what does that make me?
But a fool?
A roaming facade who feels like a creep,
Saying its wrong to want more than a trick,
I'm onto you,
Yet she is happy.

Making a mess while she is smiling,
Hardly does a day go by without you trying to break down,
I guess we resort to vicious hypnosis,
Wanting nothing more than one beautifully sung song with you.

And that's on you.

Inter spaced with memories so clear

Why do we try to dissipate and disappear,
We're all so far away and yet so near,
Protecting all the things that you hold dear.

Who will watch my actions now,
Who will catch me when I slip up,
Who's going to scream out when I lose face and don't look out?

Rather than finding out,
I'll march to my own tune,
Dance to no tune,
Sing out of tune,
And maybe I'll survive.

Alternative options,
Trying to keep everything clear,
but trying to get closer to you and your troubles;
under the streetlight,
As nothing more than a silhouette.

The sounds of feet on concrete

Like the sound of drums beating in our hearts, misunderstood like flickering lights, to be morse code for those of us lost in the dark.

People aren't out to harm you, honey.
They just look out for themselves,
But they'll come back for you if you cry out for help.

Litter lines these streets like worn out hearts and
Broken limousines,
Of parties once had and
Memories once seen.
Instead pictures help us reminisce,
Remember,
Repicture,
Because we're helpless to time,
Which makes us forget.

When you see yourself in a crowded room

Do you panic?

Waiting and fading and floating,
Trying to count the ways that you haven't decided,
Wondering why you haven't made up your mind,
Not really sure.

Yes and no,
The sweeter dreams are out of reach,
And I'm a child once again,
Making a splash in a dream filled fantasy,
Where serpentine swim and make you feel like you're drowning.

If this beat was any stronger,
I could close my eyes and be pushed away from it,
Hopefully toward you,
And call it what you want,
These are my ideas,
Locked up in thought,
Hiding my bruises from you, my enemies.

I'm not leading you astray

But nor am I following the righteous path,
Its just a step around.

Driving over bridges,
Its funny to think,
There's nothing but air under our feet.
Cause tires can go flat,
But who's going back?
I'll pump it with my own two hands and feet.

When we reach a red light,
And I tell you to turn right,
I'm not completely sure I'm not wrong.
But if you're looking for a fight,
Don't say it's alright,
Stop the car and let's talk it out.

And if worst comes to worst,
If things aren't getting better,
Then you go first and let me catch up.
With solid grouns under me and air under you,
Who's more likely to get their head stuck in the clouds?

This ain't it

There's more to this
Than just this shit,

What started off as something normal
Has now quickly become out of hand

This aint it,

Not what is supposed to make me cry
Not what's supposed to break my heart in the dead of night.

I try not to hurt you,
But every time I feel pushed further into sadder and sadder songs.

Writing has no cure to failure,
But small successes make us feel like the victors of insurmountable battles,
So here we go.

Let us live for the dark nights and cloudy storms,
Because that's what the armor is for,
We're knights of virtue,
And we just want to sing a sad, sad, song.

Locating a Venue to continue our transactions

Because we have to stay private.
In the eyes of the deceiver,
This may be misconstrued or conveyed poorly,
And what better way to taunt temptation than to toe the line and play games in it's face?
If you've ever had a favourite toy,
And if that object of which to you, represented happiness, was taken away,
Would you ever get over it?

The simple answer is yes.
But there's always another side to the story,
Despite what you want me to think,
Despite what I want you to think,
This lesson would be forever enduring,
And would shape my being indefinitely.

So perhaps we should continue these transactions
At a different venue,
On a different date,
But not so long gone that it never happens.
Because I can't wait to see you again.
And I've got an addictive personality.

Dropping out of Engagements

When there's no need to perform,
Although damage may be minimal,
Is there any reason I should be visiting the jeweler?

Where's the scale that shows
The visible spectrum to which I may be a rarity,
Cause people are telling me things I don't know whether to believe or not.

And they go home tonight,
To share a drink and hopefully not fight,
But instead we're laying outside and watching the stars spin above our heads.

This trip on the highway
Is scarier than I'd thought,
And I'm sorry.

Always under her skin,
They go out tonight,
Driving to nowhere.

Bumps, bruises, and broken hearts

We bleed on the inside,

We laugh on the outside,

We gasp for air on the inside,

We smile like nothing's wrong.

We cringe on the inside, 

We grin on the outside,

We sweat profusely on the inside,

We flirt like we know what we're doing.

Classic Poetry

To take you back,
If you'd have me back,
To a time when simpler things were written,
Not said.

For the things I lack,
Missing from personality,
You could fill my person with happiness,
And not from fantasy, but reality.

Because this is classical poetry,
Not form fitting and even less so structured,
But misunderstood and to be interpreted individually,
To bring out a deeper, hidden meaning.

And if promises made were always kept,
Then you should be expecting great writing,
But what I am writing is simple,
And sometimes we forget that simple things can be complicated.

The war is over

A sweet surrender,

Guns drawn but holstered,

Eyes wide then shut,

Stray bullets putting us in harm's way.

When will this war end?

I'm standing at the edge of a war torn battlefield,

Looking out at men who don't know how to feel,

Because we've lost our friends along the way,

And should we be glad they left this way?

For an end result so great,

Did the world deserve a sacrifice like this,

Losing a hero to save people undeserving,

Losing dignity to save rotten humanity-

What war has ended,

But the war outside our hearts,

And now we hate the men who forced our friends to die for us.

Look up at the sky

And make a wish about tomorrow
They can't outshine how I feel about you

That you hold my hand inside of yours
And you tell me things so that ill believe you are to me my poetry

I know where you are
Even though you try to keep your heart so far apart

It could just be us for miles
But this memory will always be a pictured scene I keep inside of me

Let me be together with you.

Push comes to shove

Doesn't it only matter if you're standing at the edge of a cliff?

Because risk should encourage reward,

If not complete then the process of being completed.

And when we have everything to lose,

With nothing to gain,

Aren't we most motivated?

If you said no,

You have faith in the system.

But when push comes to shove,

What does it matter.

Isn't it all the same,

If we're biting each other's heels,

Trying to climb to the top of the hill in the valley,

What system do we have to fall back upon,

Except the failures of those who tried before us.

And although I'm shoving my way through the crowd,

I've reached a conclusion.

Except I've forgotten it already.

Because I'm lighthearted, with a fools head up on my shoulders.

So who said we can't enjoy the good things,

In a broken system?

I'm quick to fall in love that's why I'm always on the ground

So I've got to pick myself up.
And not with a pick-me-up,
But by growing to see the change in my life.
By winning the battles inside,
Overcoming change in my life.

Not just sweeping it under the rug,
But by learning to swim during the flood,
And when dreams start talking to me I have to
Reach higher, until I've lifted myself out of daydream and into real life.

Anxieties hold on me has manifested itself in my broken bottles,
With dizzy vision I see straight,
Its the arena where I fight,
Off balance,
But surefooted.

Leap off great heights to discover that people live here in the depths as well.
You always had it better,
Giving it away to hopefully experience something greater.
But who knows?
Maybe now you'll find love .

As easily offended as I may be

There is no dignity in shaming yourself for a crime you had no intention to commit,
For a fault you had no desire to obtain,
and for a truth you did not want to know.

So having accepted my imperfections,
as easily offended as I may be,
At least I'm enjoying myself, being myself.

Who knew that kind souls lurked in dark corners

Afraid of daylight,
Because the meanest people are unafraid.

We sulk in misery,
Because we've given all our energy to please the ones who matter most to us.

And maybe it's a mistake.
Because don't we deserve happiness as well?

One thing's for sure.
What I would give to open my door and see your smiling face.
I'm suddenly hopeful whenever you're in sight,
Whisper your name at night.
Whatever you need,
If you should ask it of me,
To make you feel complete.

But would you do the same for me?

Until I know for sure,
Until I know what to say,
I'll pause at hello,
And away from the light I'll stay.

It feels so peculiar,
It feels so strange,
And at the same time this emptiness makes me feel complete.

And to round it all off

There's a feeling in my stomach I just can't shake,
A lump in my throat that I just can't swallow.

My arm sinks, numb.
My heart slows, calm.

What did I see,
That made me appreciate wonder again?
Not kindness,
Not selflessness,
But apathy.
Indifference.

She is her own person;
Strong-willed yet frivolous,
Silly yet ingenious,
Joking yet serious.

And I am constantly inspired to be more like this.

What these kids are hauling around

They feel stuck in a canyon,
But maybe they're the mountaintops,
Unable to see any higher,
Because their friends are hugging them so tightly,
They have nothing to test them,
No trials to push them further than they've ever been pushed before.

Never really sure,
Always treated like a warrior,
Their battles are victories or defeats,
When do we get to leave and chill,
On this hill in the neighborhood,
Nothing to you,
But to me, my mountaintop.

We're kids in this neighborhood block,
Carrying all of our troubles in the sacks over our shoulders,
Weighed down with heavy hearts,
But free flying through youth with lighthearted laughter,
And love.
Always loving,
Forgetting pain, heartbreak.
And falling back into love, remembering love.

Dreaming wide awake

And you're having the best dream of your life.

Full of love,
Hungry for more,
Tired of ordinary life,
Dreaming of greatness,
Seeing the painted stars,
Awoken by the faces of people you know.

And every waking moment is spent exhausting ourselves back to sleep.

I'm tired, and hungry

She said, as she leaned forward onto the counter.

Glazed eyes, she looked at nothing.

She asked a question.

It didn't make sense.

But did she care?

Probably not.

She is the product of creation,

Holder of knowledge,

She understands that a question isn't a question if nobody is listening.

She throws caution to the wind.

She inspires art,

She knows beauty.

Even if she doesn't think the image of herself is beautiful.

Reach deep, further into those empty pockets

I may not have money, but I've got heart.
Shouldn't that be enough to keep this from falling apart?

There's change rattling in the ghost town of my heart,
So vacant,
Wondering where it all went,
Now it's all my fault.
Not because I scared you away,
But because I'm the only one left to blame.

And you're the only one I want.
If I told you everything is old and creaking,
Wouldn't you come back?
Not even to help me destroy the home we used to grow in?

Burning all these bridges,
I'm left with nothing but extreme dissatisfaction.
And should I repent,
Try to hold what's left of this bridge up on my shoulders?
Or should I give it up in a beautiful goodbye,
Like pulling the trigger with your eyes closed.

Your hand in mine

Like the rambling of a madman,
I reach for you.

And I think it's not satisfactory to want what I cannot  have,
To me,
I am that animal who searches tirelessly for water and does not sleep,
because survival is necessary.

And shouldn't love be?

Why is it such a commodity,
that we spend at the expense of happiness,
especially the happiness of others?

Mustn't you know,
that a heart doesn't die when it is hurt,
but the beat sure does slow down,
to ease the pain of constant sorrow.

Trying to forget may be the single most selfish act of loving,
because you've given up a chance to experience something beautiful.
"If you truly love, you would be able to let go."
How about no.
Because you should fight for what you want most,
especially if it feels like a once in lifetime opportunity.

But I can only imagine being in this situation,
I can only hope for the day when perhaps,
we can stand-
Your hand in mine.

Doubles, not singles

Because two play at that game,

and playing alone would make me so lonely.

But I do.

Because this candlelit table seats more than just me,

and I'm looking at my watch, waiting for you, when they told me I should leave.

But I didn't.

And 

Because the tragedy lies in front of me,

and not behind, I should look both ways before I cross.

But I dare not.

Because you walked in,

and then quickly out.

But I did not stop you.

I am playing a losing game;

a game meant for doubles,

representing myself and only myself.

A player of singles,

enjoying a game of doubles.

on a trip down a road, driving out in the dark

finding what stupid things I've been missing,
in headlights,
coming across objects very far apart.

and the heartbeat is stronger now than ever,
making it very clear that we don't need to stop,  ever.

because I've made a mistake.
and not because of the mistakes I've made,
but because ill never find the truth in my mother's eyes.

the sound of static rushes through my ears,
and it makes it clear that the issues of mine are present;
right now, right here.

writing something, about here.

all my desires,
simplified.
all my plans,
compromised.

all of my dreams.
sacrificed.

so that I may end it.
right now, right here.

Down a road not compromised by fate.

There's grass that grows greener than the stuff on the other side

because the fence blocks what little I can see,

what I can want,

without actually being tempted to cross to the other side.

And while I stand here,

completely unafraid of temptation,

you stand there,

making me want to see more.

Would I feel like I'm treading water in an open sea,

to try and get to the place that I want to be,

which is there-

with you,

while I'm stuck on the other shore,

with the consequences of waiting here bore deep down in my heart.

Pray for the stars and the weather

Cause I can tell it's going to be another one of those black days.
And blowing in, are the garrisons of soldiers-
I call them hope.

Rolling in infront of the thunderstorms are the tanks. Unshakeable, impenetrable-
I call them doubt.

And who will win, man or machine?
I don't know.
I say why not both.

But some people laugh at this,
Because why start a war over just another black day, no matter how grim.

Won't tomorrow be better?

Is it a mistake to not grow old knowledgeable?

For even as I stand still in this day and age,

These nights are forever young and it's us who get older.

I don't need more friends to kill the time,

this boredom,

when the friends I have I already can't keep up with.

Please, be false that you've seen this.

Or else everything I've written must be erased,
for the sake of mutilation,
for the sake of preserving the peace,
for the sake of preventing indecency in the eyes of what may or may not be dear to you,
Or dear to me.

For there are few things in my life that I have wished would last forever,
And regret is not one of them.
And neither is shame.
And never would I wish for success at the expense of others.
For I have learned through error that forgiveness is paramount.

And who would I be to deny you that.
Not a man,
Not a king,
Not a god,
And definitely not someone you should aspire to love as I do you.

Entities Enticing Enticingly

Creating shame through the glory of our successes,
but all of our successes come at the expenses of other's failures.
Do we live with the guilt,
knowing that we inflicted pain unto others,
sundering the happiness from their arms,
to give it up later and blame it on misfortune?

Or do we rise above the cratered ground,
over the ashes of our fallen allies,
who we believed to be foes?

There is no understanding of guilt greater than the shame once we've felt it.
So are feelings greater than the pleasure of aesthetic?
I say we are driven by emotion. By a static force which is unbeknownst to us,
an unknown enigma, wrapped in gooey bacon.
Tempting, alluring, but constantly fearful of what I have not known,
for what I have not known is the greatest cause for what I have not done.

I wish to live a fuller life,
but not one full of disappointment and doubt.

stealing hearts as a pasttime

subtract my age from the mileage on my beating heart,
to recount the years of ache,
spent on you.
thinking about you
makes me feel quite blue,
and the sunset couldn't come quicker at all.
detours ahead,
turn left,
get sunk in a pothole,
get left for dead.

where do i go but here

I feel such need to be so connected,
but damn I feel helpless and so unrelentless

I wish I could fight for your love and affection,
but there's nothing here for you to want or for you to connect with,

I'm sad and alone,
but safe in my home,
a hole in the ground is where I want to go

so please o please tell me
you're offended,
because nothing I see makes me see just how restless
I make you and make you,
please try to understand,
but everything I say makes you feel stuck in quicksand-

there's darkness and faces
so mean and disgusted,
by everything i say and think,
I'm just so helpless,
it's sad to think that I was once not so helpless,
but caught up in thoughts of suicide has made me careless and restless

there's one place i want to go
and that place is home,

the home where i know i belong,
where that is i do not know,
but please point your finger,
so you can be done with me,

because nothing is standing,
except you so close to me...

i love you, i love you,
i miss you all the same,
i don't care what i think,
as long as you're still sane.
there's lower-case letters,
and a cease and desist,
but my heart is aching,
no joy to resist.

im sorry.

you're never going to get my love

because you don't want me.

I'm simple.

you're so blue.

the grass beneath my feet gives me security.

the years ahead of you give you worry.

and when I'm sad, I'm happy.

I've never seen you happy, because I'm always sad.

its a strange love that we have,

but one sided love shouldn't count at all.

ill buy you flowers until you realize who you are.

outrageous.
not so courageous.
contagious, your laugh.
and obnoxious,
your nagging.

but together,
beautiful.

so get your shit together,
and be complete.

Something I never understood

Even when I asked for help,
I was alone.

And when I was there,
forever in the dark,
You know who held the light?
You.

Because I had the candle,
you had the spark.

&

After the earthquake,
You didn't come back.
To our broken home, to my broken heart.
And I'm sitting here wondering where you went,




Completely in the Dark.

The few still standing

Upsetting,
Depressing,
Gradually falling,
until finally

Failing.

And if failing is hitting the ground, no matter how fucking hard you hit it,
then I would take that over a broken heart any day.

Because after the tears have been wiped away,
There's no one to help pick up the pieces of your broken heart.

Only you.

To this day

There's been a misunderstanding,

because I don't know if he's going to die.

Growing up,

believing nobody would ever love us,

knowing the darkness was coming.

In a few days,

you will know.

That they might be wrong.

Coming in a few days,

it would come.

And if you weren't ready,

I'd say you didn't make it.

But not me.

Because I'd die either way,

no matter what you'd say,

no misunderstanding,

no misconceptions,

only clarity.

So go, just go,

go on without me.

Because I won't have you dying for me,

And my heart knows that you won't be standing here waiting for me,

You don't like being seen here,

You can't be seen standing beside me.

Hurt is understood and heard

The only word that I heard,
was


...



...



... coming at me,
coming from you,
hoping to hurt,
intending to be heard.

And last.





...
...
...





To me, coming from you,
Everything I heard was enough to hurt.

And not more than I deserved.

The pieces coming all Together.

I wish I was that guy,
combing your hair,
holding you here,
because I'm jealous.
  Jealous that the guy you probably like,
  is someone that every guy wants to be.
  Everyone wants to be a part of your life,
  Or at least that's how I see it.

Maybe I'm wrong and I'm the only one you can see,
or maybe there's someone out there that you hope will look at you,
  Not through.

But whatever you believe,
we're as blind as those people who so soundly sleep,
wool pulled over our eyes like sheep...

And you only know how I really feel
from what I say when I'm talking in my sleep.

But it's not her. It's me.
So to myself:
Watch out.
Every time there's a new step you have to look out for,
To keep you distracted from breaking down and thinking why:
Why you can't see her looking at you.
Why you just can't believe that it could be you.
Why shes the only thing you talk about in your sleep.

It's nice to know where you will be

But that destination comes and it goes












... so suddenly.

So?

The home in our hearts is farthest apart when we're closest to home-
The leading me on that you're doing,
The truth my friend's don't know,
The hurt I'm feeling because I miss them.

I don't want to love with you anymore,
I don't want to frown anymore,
I don't want to waste anymore time,
I don't want to love you.

And if this doesn't kill me,
Then this emptiness inside of me will.

To those who may be listening:

There is nothing here to see.
You may be on your way.

This isn't a caravan,
No circus freaks,
Not even treasures from the Orient.

Just the memory of a man,
One who may still be missing on the inside.

And when you find him,
Can you tell him how to get home?

Because I think he's lost.
And I'm worried for him,
                          for Her.

Find me a place where the wind never blows.

so I may be alone to my thoughts under the trees,
ill never love you again.

when I met you,
you were the only song I'd ever wanted to sing,
now I can't see any other place I'd want to be.

and left here,
in this crowded city...

I want to know how I've deserved this.

Don't bargain when you're weak

Stubbornly you're waiting for me,
but you've made a mistake.

Because I'm not coming for you,
The chariot does not come to the white knight,
I have not yet crossed the mountain before you,
and soon it will be dawn.

I'm not your vindication,
I'm the crack in your voice,
The soft, unending suffering.

But You.
You're my one and only.
If I try to forget you,
I just miss you more.
And since we've parted ways,
it was probably my fault. I see that.

Stubbornly, I'm waiting though.
Waiting for You.
And this is no mistake.

Because I see clearly now,
through enigmatic clouds and forshadowed suffering;
You're my one and only.
Why can't I replace you,
more and more I'm finding the will to try-
..maybe I was wrong?
..maybe I felt weak.

No.
While it's nice to know,

  where you will be,
  who you will talk to,
  what you'll be thinking, saying,

It's no longer my concern.
So thank you.
And may my hat come off to you.

I think I loved you at one point or another.

Grey Matter

I am a self-destructive concoction, volatile and futile.
Inside of me is a dark, evitative spool.

Drawn with pen,
Struck with emotion,
I am choking on tears I never knew I had.

And I don't want to live on this Earth anymore,
I don't want to die with people like this.

Instead-
Take me to the moon,
so that I can die at peace,
suffocating in the vacuum of space.
Silently, Peacefully, with purpose and conviction. That is how I want to die.

I want to die suffering,
but through the suffering of my own choosing,
not in a world, where I may be associated wrongly with such filth as this.

It's gotten bad again.

And you don't even know the half of it.

I don't understand why but it is impossible for me

to get past the hurt.

Do you think I haven't tried

avoiding this misfortune? Or that

We asked for this pain...

There is no 'we' anymore, only me.

And I'm sad.

Upset, Lonely.

What do you want from me?

Pain? You can have that.

I don't want it anymore,

I have too much of it.

Not like I used to,

but like I wanted to.

There is nothing that I want

more than to go to the past and relive it all

differently- so that the person I am now would not be me.

     You are a mistake and we

     don't love you anymore.

          Where is our fear

          but in our hearts?

What faith should I have left

but that in the hearts

of those men, braver

so than me.

See now,

Nothing.

Because there is no faith.

There are no good men.

&

You should expect nothing from me.